Last week I saw a stranger that I seemed to know a lot about, but yet nothing at all. Maybe some of you can relate to that experience. I'm not talking stalker status here, but more on the lines of an old best friend, maybe? or someone your family knows pretty well, but you don't really know them, but you do? (Does that even make sense?) Even though words weren't exchanged and barely a glance, I had an old wound re-open. A wound that was never intended to be a wound in the first place, but some how it did. That's the thing with the decisions we make in our lives, sometimes we don't really see the effect it has us, even after time has passed. The one word I could really pick was ruined. I felt ruined inside, broken, destroyed. Mainly, because I thought I had come so far and yet I felt I hadn't.
Now, let me say that I'm so thankful for my sister-in-law, because first of all she is a great listener and second I can talk to her openly without judgment. I hope that you have someone like that in your life. First, she reminded me that we all grieve differently and in different times. I realized that I didn't even know I had grief still in me, but none the less, I did. More than anything I had to grieve that the life I had hoped for at 19, 20, 21, 22, and 23 is now forever gone, because it's impossible to go back in time. I can't be the age of 24 and say, "By 23 I hope to be well established." It is already gone. However, I can be 24 and continue to make new goals and new dreams, ones that weren't even in my head a couple years ago.
Second, I realized that there are things in my past that I don't want to forget, because those experiences made me who I am today and most importantly for me, It's OK not to forget. I think when I accepted my challenge of forgetting the past and future to live only in the present I was hoping that everything would be erased, especially every past pain and every non sense future hope. I am realizing if you forget the past, you are asking to forget the bad and the GOOD! I had to many good times that out weigh the bad times. And if you forget about the future, then you are living in a world without dreams, hopes, and goals. The best dreams to have are the ones that seem impossible, because when they do come true then it's even that much more amazing and probably rewarding! I know living in a world without dreams is impossible for me. I like to believe that my name carries the word "dream" in it. Andrea Moncayo turns into Drea M., which then turns into DREAM! I am a natural dreamer. The places I know I will get to go to, the things I will accomplish still, and the people I have yet to meet! I'm excited for it all.
Lastly, my sister-in-law reminded me that God loves us so much that His intent is never to hurt us. I can't count how many times I have been angry with or blamed God for many things. However, I realized that the battle that I have to face is, me. I have realized that God has given us commands, "Love God with all your heart and Love your neighbor as yourself" in order to protect us. Let me tell you, these commands are so simple, but yet I struggle with them ALL the time! Praise God though for His love for us. That despite our failures He loves us, doesn't give up on us, and continues to make "all things work together for our good."
So, even though I felt a little ruined last week, I am choosing to praise God for it and accepting it as a gift. Through my experience I have learned even more about myself. Oddly enough, I received a closure that I didn't even know I needed. Also, it was another experience that kept me going back to God. I do believe that when we are broken, ruined, or destroyed that it is God shaping us and transforming us into the person He has planned us to be and that is something I am thankful for, that I am not who I was and that there is hope for me to be even a better version of me! My new word is, renewed!
Hopefully next week I will have a fun adventure to tell!