Sunday, September 27, 2015

A Harden Heart

Hey Blog Followers,

I hope this wonderful new season that we call, FALL, has been a good start for you. Well, the truth is depending where you are in the country or in the world for that matter, it doesn't feel like it yet. However, the point is,  I love that seasons change, but my favorite thing about fall is that it's a time to start preparing for rest and maybe come up with some new reflections or revelations. 

I am in a season of life where I feel so stuck in the middle of this youth and adult transition, which I know many young adults can relate to. I am going to be 26 this year... (26!!!!) I feel so much like a kid still. I don't know if I am in denial right now or I'm just not allowing it to be an option to grow up. I admire the young adults in my life who have embraced this responsibility, whether it was by choice or not. However, for me, I'm stuck. People come to me and sometimes ask for my professional or non-professional opinion and the first thing I say to myself is, "Why in the world are they coming to me?, I'm not adult enough for this."

I haven't really been feeling like myself lately. I feel mean, unkind, and ungracious. I am tired of saying yes when in reality what I mean to say is no. Maybe some of you can relate where you feel you have said yes yes yes so much and then you either resent it, or the one time you say no, you start feel that you are these mean words..."I'm mean, because I didn't say yes." I need to find a balance, but I don't want to lose myself either, which I feel like I am.  

I made a promise to myself that  I wasn't going to do something just do it. Also, I wasn't going to stick with the things that make me unhappy, because I value every second that I am given on this earth and I want to fill it up with only positivity and things that bring me joy. However, there is a danger that comes with those rules. It's tempting to give up people and on things that you once started with a purpose and now is becoming unfinished work. 

I ask myself, why is my heart hardening? Who is the person that God has planned for me to be?  I know that sometimes life events attribute to harden hearts and I can say this week for sure has attributed to that. However, I'm disappointed in myself with how I handle it. I feel a disgrace to my faith sometimes, because I am suppose to be practicing kindness, grace, love, etc. What am I so afraid losing or gaining?, because if I have God then I shouldn't be afraid of anything and I should be showing His light all over, even in the darkness. The story of Job is a perfect example.

I write this out,  because it's part of my therapy and way of processing my thoughts and feelings. However, I would love to hear for you if you are able to relate or give advice on what to do about this? 

These are things I had to say today.